We here at 1-2 Knockout are constantly striving to deliver innovative financial products that allow our clients to exploit profit opportunities tied to events and special situations which have historically been overlooked by most "real" Investment Banks. It is thus with great fanfare that we bring your our newest, sexiest, sure-fire profit instrument:
Yahoo Clusterf*ck Notes (herein, "Yuck! Notes").
Essentially, these OTC Notes are designed to fluctuate in price based upon the level of our proprietary Clusterf*ck (TM) Index. The Clusterf*ck Index is calculated based on a complicated algorithm which uses a variety of factors as inputs, including:
- Our proprietary measures of:
- Steven Balmer and Jerry Yang's alcohol/illicit drug consumption (ml(or mg)/day)
- Size of Sergey Brin and Larry Paige's smile (in cm's)
- Implied uncertainty of any deal happening, as measured by Schrodinger's Cat
- Probability that Yahoo! is worth more than the 50%+ premium offered by Microsoft (approx. zero)
- # Days of rain in Redmond, Washington in the past rolling 30-day period (you'd be ornery and stubborn if you lived there, too)
- A variety of other factors, see your prospectus for complete details.
In order to ensure ample liquidity, 1-2 Knockout will be acting as sole market maker (although our seperate dark pool will be available on an as-needed basis). Offer/ask prices will be posted daily to the Yahoo! Finance Message Boards (where Rahodeb is a restricted person, so as to avoid any potential for manipulation).
Our Research Desk has been conducting several days of Monte Carlo simulation, and sees the Yucks! trading hire as uncertainty, rain days, smile size, and alcoholism increase, and lower as probability-weighted value of Yahoo! increases. Also, the Desk sees the emergence and involvement of senile 3rd-parties in the Clusterf*ck as a stabilizing factor (which is ironic given aforementioned senility), but warns that this may simple represent the eye of the storm, so-to-speak, where an inevitable Clusterf*ck is merely averted (or partially mitigated) in the short-term, only to result in a massive Clusterf*ck spike down the road.
Yucks! are marginable to 10x, with applicable level-3 collateral posted as the Notes are marked-to-"model" weekly.
Yahoo Clusterf*ck Notes: Ride the F*cking Wave to HUGE Returns!
Disclosure: Anal_yst uses Yahoo! Finance (and select other "services"). Yuck! Notes are not SEC-registered investment products and should not be treated as such. Asterixes make these ideal family-friendly securities, great for Bar-Mitzvahs, Weddings, Communions, and obviously Brises. Consult your Financial Advisor.