(Detroit's) Back in (the) Black (or not...)

So I spent a little time over the past day or two going through the recently released Automaker Bailout Bill, which apparently is to be called, the ‘‘Auto Industry Financing and Restructuring Act," or "AIFRA", as the cool kids call it.  Lacking a password to unlock the original, and being way to unambitious to crack it, unfortunately I wasn't able to upload my annotated version, so lets go through this thing the hard way:

Section 2.a: Findings

 The Congress finds the following:
(1) A combination of factors, including errors in the business model of domestic automobile manufacturers...

What, what is this?  A tacit admission that they dug their own grave?  REALLY?  Can someone else verify this is, indeed, the FIRST finding?  Right there, up-front, fo serious?

...and emergency economic circumstances, has prevented the domestic automobile industry from securing credit from other sources...

Sigh, for a brief split second there I actually thought Congress would make the causal connection between clause #'s 1 and 3.

...and has led to the possibility of the failure of the automobile industry, which failure would have a systemic adverse effect on the economy.

I think they mean "...the failure of which..." but I'm sure they were up very late and weren't overly concerned with proper grammar, not like its going to be written in stone or anything.  (And to think some presume the "Anal" in Anal_yst  is some sort of perversion as opposed to my 'I blame it on My Jewish Mother' anal-compulsiveness, but I digress.)

Section 2.b: Purposes

(2) to ensure that such authority and such facilities are used in a manner that -

A) stimulates manufacturing and sales of automobiles produced by automobile manufacturers in the United States;

So I see we're getting right to addressing that overcapacity issue...

B) enhances the ability and the capacity of the domestic automobile industry to pursue the timely and aggressive production of energy-efficient advanced technology vehicles;

Oh, golly, I bet this'll be about as effective as CAFE...

C) preserves and promotes the jobs of 355,000 workers in the U.S. directly employed by the automobile industry and an additional 4,500,000 in the United States employed in related industries;

Just when you think they've missed the point completely, BAM! they come back and show you they really mean business this time!

D) safeguards the ability of the domestic automobile industry to provide retirement and health care benefits for 1,000,000 retirees and their dependents;

Contrary to many-a-moron who's misread me recently, I'm acutely aware we can't just offload GM's obligations onto the PBGC (etc), but why not, as in the case of a reorganization, allow the Big 3 some leeway to modify some of the more ridiculous commitments.  Sure, the beneficiaries may bitch & moan that Detroit is going back on their word, but wtf, if mortgage borrowers can guilt the Gubment into forcing banks to modify their failed contractual obligations, why can't the Big 3 do it?  Alas, very nature of the slippery slope continually evades those in question...

And, finally (all the way from the bottom of page three of thirty one):

E) results in a viable and competitive domestic auto industry that minimizes adverse effects on the environment.

*head explodes*

(If anyone's actually interested, I went through the whole bill draft, lest you think I passed-up on the opportunity to simultaneously rain down upon morons in Washington, Detroit, and wherever the hell the organized labor people hang out.  Drop an email its.the.anal.yst@gmail.com)