Anal_yst

July 22, 2008

Ric Flair Finance Boards the Failboat

All_aboardLadies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, the credit crisis has finally claimed another innocent victim.  Mortgage and consumer-loan specialist Ric Flair has shuttered his fledgling operation, Ric Flair Finance ("Home of the figure-4process!"), despite what we're told were steller results. 

I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but I mean, this comes as quite the shock.  We haven't been able to find out what, exactly, Ric Flair Finance actually did (origination maybe?), or what role they played in exacerbating the housing crisis thats swept across the nation, but we're deeply saddened that the company is nevermore, regardless. 

In memoriam, Ric Flair Finance (Wooooo!?)

All_aboard_the_failboat   

July 17, 2008

Heidi Montag Will Be the Next Secretary of The Treasury or: How We Are All (even more) Royally F&cked

John McCain, cleverly disguised as his non-existent daughter, recently met up with das-uber annoying wannabe-celebutard Heidi Montag to discuss her views on a variety of important topics (Yes I just linked to The Superficial, yes I know I'm gay, yea yea).  Our strategically-placed stalker source tells us items on their agenda included a lengthy debate on the relative merits of silicon vs. saline, but things really got heated when Heidi mentioned the economy.  Our first inclination is that this must have been some sort of subconscious Freudian slip or yet another unfortunate case of a (quasi-)celebrity parroting something she saw scrolling across a TV out of the corner of her eye.  But, according to our informant, before Montag could snap back out of fembot mode (if such a thing is even possible), "McCain" had already devolved into a state that can only be described as TIMMMMAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! (not that Timmmayyyy). 

After reviewing spy footage of the event, we're not entirely sure whether the cause of "McCain's" sudden shift in behaviour was due to hearing Montag say the word "economy" - a mind-boggling occurrence for sure - or merely the mention of the word itself. 

July 15, 2008

John Devaney's Yact is John Devaney's Yacht No More

Le_douchebag John Devaney, he of the former United Capital Management (and ubiquitous douchey photos posing in front of his various toys), has not only surrendered to inevitability but - and it pains me to say this - sold his prized yacht, Positive Carry.  The new owner?  Futuristic Charters, LLC, a Florida company with principal offices in Hoboken, NJ.  Interestingly enough, the offices of said charter company happen to be at the exact same address of the Academy Bus Company.  More interestingly, Francis Tedesco, President of Academy, is the signer on the LLC Agreement filed with the State.  As if it weren't bad enough that this poor ship has passed from the elite hands of a top hedge fund manager into those of a grease monkey bus operator, Tedesco even had the temerity to rename the boat "Espresso III".   

I'm not sure whats going on with that name, but I think we can all agree that it just doesn't have the same fate-tempting ring as its former title.

For what its worth, the boat appears to be currently docked at the Newport Marina in Jersey City, NJ, should any of our more ambitious readers be interested in hopping the PATH to go check her out.

July 10, 2008

Setting the Record Straight: Taxpayers Are NOT Funding JPM's Buyout of Bear Stearns

Since news of its imminent collapse and the actions of the Federal Reserve to prevent it, much of the criticism heaped upon JP Morgan’s takeout of Bear Stearns has revolved around whether it amounts to a taxpayer-funded bailout of Wall Street. Countless media reports would have their readers believe that this is indeed the case, but I have yet to read a single compelling explanation of how exactly this is the case. It does not take much effort to stoke the populist fire by quoting anonymous sources or citing vague ‘reports’ supporting this conclusion. To date, not a single account I have read attacks the crux of the matter, which is to explain the mechanisms, or under what circumstances taxpayer funds were, or could be used to fund the transaction.


I’ve scoured information on the Federal Reserve’s website and spoken with respected authorities on the subject, none of which suggest that taxpayers are footing the bill for the transaction. The likelihood that taxpayer funds will every be used at all is slim-to-none. One source I spoke with, a respected Finance Professor (of Markets & Banking, among other subjects) went so far as to say that he doesn’t expect either JPM or the Fed to take any significant loss as a result of the Bear deal when all is said-and-done.


Before anyone jumps down my neck, let me elaborate.


Two weeks ago the Fed released its quarterly update of the collateral pledged against its loan to JPM was marked down to $28.9 Bn from ~$30 bn when the loan was first made. Maturities on the assets pledged extend out 10-20 years or more, according to what I’ve seen, although the Fed is relatively mum on the exact composition of the portfolio.


To illustrate what would happen in an extreme case, lets consider a semi-arbitrary situation in which the default rate on the pledged assets is 100% (which is very unlikely, baring global financial catastrophe or something on that scale), with zero recovery on any assets, spread out evenly over 15 years. In this example, these are not simply mark-to-market accounting losses (how they’ll actually show), but economic losses, just to illustrate the point. In this example, the Fed will have to absorb ~$2bn per year over that 15 year period, a figure which may seem extreme, but as I’ll explain, is relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things.


In “Purposes & Functions of the Federal Reserve”, pp. 11, it states:

The income of the Federal Reserve System is derived primarily from the interest on U.S. government securities that it has acquired through open market operations. Other major sources of income are the interest on foreign currency investments held by the System; interest on loans to depository institutions; and fees received for services provided to deposi­tory institutions, such as check clearing, funds transfers, and automated clearinghouse operations.

“Ok, BFD, so what?” you say. Relax my young padawan, for the truth shall set you free:

After it pays its expenses, the Federal Reserve turns the rest of its earn­ings over to the U.S. Treasury. About 95 percent of the Reserve Banks’ net earnings have been paid into the Treasury since the Federal Reserve System began operations in 1914. (Income and expenses of the Federal Reserve Banks from 1914 to the present are included in the Annual Report of the Board of Governors.) In 2003, the Federal Reserve paid approxi­mately $22 billion to the Treasury.

In 2007 this number was $38.7bn, up from $29.1bn in 2006 (pp. 360 of the report). Even if we take the low number from 2003, the $2bn annual loss from the above extreme example would only represent less than a 10% hit to the funds contributed to the Treasury by the Fed.


For those who still don’t get it, let me explain. While the Fed is funded and overseen by Congress, it is “private within the Government;” it is effectively a self-funded entity operating as a “private” organization within Government. The loan extended by the Fed to JPM (via Maiden Lane, LLC) was a direct extension of credit from the Fed’s balance sheet, not from an appropriate of taxpayer monies, which so far as I can tell, would have required specific Congressional action.


When this information is taken in its entirety the only possible “hit” to taxpayers would be a budgetary shortfall resulting from poor budgetary planning (e.g. if the budget was based on receiving X dollars from the Fed, only to actually receive X minus whatever “loss” the Fed absorbed from collateral losses in the Bear collateral). Even in this situation, taxpayers still are not actually funding any part of the transaction, only the foregone funds – which were never a certainty to begin with – of the difference between the estimated Fed contribution and its actual contribution in a given year.


May I be missing something (or potentially many things)? Absolutely. But all research I’ve done suggests that one thing is certain (or at least as certain as anything can be these days): Taxpayers are NOT funding the purchase (“bailout,” whatever) of Bear Stearns.  Until, or unless someone can provide clear, factual support that this is not the case, journalists, pundits, and even those of us on The Street need to resist the urge to propagate the unsubstantiated claims of those who cannot or will not back up such claims.

July 04, 2008

Long Childhood Obesity, Short the Youth of America

Like any red-blooded American, I enjoy watching professionals push the limit of human performance in their given field, and seeing as today is July 4th, the event of the day is the Nathans Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, the most prestigious even on the competitive eating circuit.  First, the fact that there is a competitive eating league is ridiculous, albeit not surprising in the least.  The entertainment content is undeniable, although the message given off by legitimizing such gastronomicly gluttonous behavior is questionable, at best.  As bad as it is though, I can deal with the newfound popularity of competitive eating, as it seems most people can still take it for what it is.  If we ever get to the point where we start seeing youth leagues popping up across the country though, I'd say that'd be a pretty clear sign of the impending apocalypse.

Unfortunately, it seems that day is far closer than I'd feared.  Ladies and gentlemen, I regretfully inform you that I have given up all hope.  I give you, Major League Eating: The Video Game.
Were_fucked
That's right kids:  Now you don't even have to get off the couch to stuff your pudgy little face! 

I think this is it though, the proverbial downfall of western civilization.  Its bad enough when we're encouraging kids to simply sit on their ass for hours on end playing Halo or World of Warcraft.  This game though, takes lethargy to an ENTIRELY new level, to the point where I'm just completely at a loss for words.  I think the title of this post pretty much says it all...

Oh, and congratulations to the Master of the Hot Dog, Joey Chesnut, for beating Takeru Kobayashi in the 2008 Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest, in overtime none-the-less!  Doing your obese countrymen and women proud since 2007!  GooooooOOOOOO AMERICA!

July 01, 2008

This Week in "Duh": Domestic Auto Sales = FAIL

Detroit_fail I was inclined to just let the title of this post speak for itself, but I've got some time (ha) on my  hands, so what the hell (via CNNMoney)

Ford Motor reported that its U.S. sales tumbled 28% in June, kicking off what could turn out to be the weakest month for auto sales in 16 years.

Oh, realllly?  Go oooonnn!

Ford, the No. 3 automaker in terms of U.S. sales, saw sales of its SUVs plunge by more than half and pickups and other trucks fell more than a third.

Given the company's red-hot vehicle line-up, and the outstanding fleet fuel mileage, this news comes as nothing short of shocking to this author.  Thankfully, the brain trust over in Dearborn is on top of it, nbd:

Even crossovers, a sign of strength in the light truck segment until recently, saw sales off 18% from a year earlier, as buyers went searching for more fuel efficient vehicles in the face of record $4 gas prices. But Ford apparently didn't have the car models buyers were looking for, as its car sales fell 12%.

Some of the weak car sales could be due to growing consumer worries about their jobs and the economy. But automakers also suggested it could be due to the short supply of many fuel-efficient models after a rush to buy those vehicles in May.

"That limited supply we believed had an impact," said George Pipas, the director of sales analysis for Ford

In fairness to Ford's delusional explanation, they weren't the only domestic automaker to feel the pain.  Privately-held Chrysler's overall sales fell 36% in June; interestingly enough car sales were down 49% while truck sales were only down 30%.  That distribution is likely due to the fact that chrysler (when gas was hovering around $2/gallon) enjoyed a fair amount of success with its large vehicles such as the Charger, 300C, etc, which have likely fallen out of favor with national gas prices aroudn $4/gallon, as well as with their aging design.

Crosstown rival GM saw sales drop 18.5% in June, with the biggest single-brand dissapointment coming from (unsurprisingly) Buick, which saw sales drop 41%. 

So, to tally up the scores for the "Big Three" the past month, we have (non-volume adjusted) sales down ~27% from the same month last year.  Strange, when the majority of your revenue comes from gas-guzzler trucks, SUV's, and large cars, that sales take a massive hit when gas prices jump 100%+.

Duh.

(Expect a more detailed discussion of the woes faced by the automakers in another, slightly-less-sarcastic post sometime soon)

June 23, 2008

Wall Street Analyst Immortalized with New Opera

Das_reingold Confessions of a Wall Street Analyst author Dan Reingold (the Luke Skywalker to Jack Grubman's Darth Vader) has been given arguably the biggest honor that any 'Streeter could ever hope to achieve:  his life's work made into an opera, Das Reingold to be preformed by the famed New York Metropolitan Opera.

In a story "traversing the realms of nymphs (uh...), dwarves (Grubman), gods (Weill), and giants (Ebbers), the Opera highlights all of the seemingly-unbelievable details of the life of the former star telecom Analyst.

Das Reingold shows in March and April, 2009.  Tickets go on sale this August at www.metopera.com

June 20, 2008

I'm Moving to Guatemala

Libbalaaa_timmmayyyyyNot that this is news to anyone who, uh, actually reads the news, but the two men running for President of the U.S. are, how to put this gingerly, economically retarded.

Karl Rove did a piece in the WSJ yesterday, calling out these two pandering politicos on their blatant b.s., the most painful example of which may be the idea of taxing "windfall" profits (of course, avoiding any discussion of what, exactly, constitutes said "windfall".  Not to go off on a rant here, but wtf is up with the wind references, "windfall", "headwinds", etc?) 

Rove accurately points out that margins for the current corporate pariah du jour, oil/energy companies such as Exxon Mobil, are amongst the slimmest in any industry.  So, if these populism-promoting politicians aren't defining windfall profits by margins, they must mean by sheer size, right? 

Wrong. 

It's not the profit margin, but the total number of dollars earned that is the problem, Mr. Obama might say. But if that were the case, why isn't he targeting other industries? Oil and gas companies made $86.5 billion in profits last year. At the same time, the financial services industry took in $498.5 billion in profits, the retail industry walked away with $137.5 billion, and information technology companies made off with $103.4 billion. What kind of special outrage does Mr. Obama have for these companies?

It's one thing when the most liberal senator on Capitol Hill blabbers incoherently about things which he clearly does not understand (as a matter of fact, its pretty much par for the course, no?), but when a so-called "Regan Republican" like John MCcain allows himself to sound similar ignorant, its a sign that we're all in serious trouble.

This past Thursday, Mr. McCain came close to advocating a form of industrial policy, saying, "I'm very angry, frankly, at the oil companies not only because of the obscene profits they've made, but their failure to invest in alternate energy."

So yea, about the title of this post.  I'm not kidding.  When the next leaders of the free world (ha!) not only say stupid things, but I fear, will actually follow their rhetoric with action, bad things will happen.  Very bad things.

June 19, 2008

Gas Prices Are WAY Worse Than We Thought

Receiving little, if any coverage in the media are the horrific effects high gas prices are having on the country club set.  In hindsight, this shouldn't come as a surprise, considering that the average vehicle in any country club parking lot probably gets somewhere around 10 miles per gallon. 

Anyway, things are so bad that Callaway, maker of such legendary products as the Big Bertha driver,  has resorted to offering customers free gas cards when they purchase a new sledgehammer driver. 

I'm sorry folks, its one thing when drab automaker du jour, Chrysler, offers gas cards when people buy their cars (or whatever they sell these days), but golf clubs?  Callaway?  I mean, does Congress know HOW BAD IT REALLY IS, or, do THEY HAVE NO IDEA??????

Deal_of_the_century_2

Taken at Sports Authority, 6/19/2008

June 17, 2008

The Apple Ad That, uh, Never Quite Made it

Ibanker

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