1-2 Knockout

The Apple Ad That, uh, Never Quite Made it

Bankers with "No Regard for Human Life"

Guest post by The Man Upstairs (aka, "Kenneth" in this write-up)

In Game Four of the Celtics-Cavs series, toward the end of the game, you may remember the gargantuan dunk LeBron had over Garnett.  It was a monstrous, traumatizing, titillating display of talent and human athleticism.  I've said this before, but the reality of the matter is that both LeBron and I are human beings, yet he can do that, and I have trouble making a left-handed lay-up.  The spectrum of humanity boggles the mind.  But I digress.

Immediately after the dunk, you can hear Kevin Harlan narrate, "OOOOoooHHH!! LeBron James, with no regard for human life!"  The way he delivers it, it's probably my favorite sound byte of this year's playoffs.  I think it's the preposterousness of it, as if a LeBron James dunk could kill someone.  But Harlan makes it a great line.  It made me want a sportscaster and/or color person to narrate my daily life.  Think about it.

"Kenneth, finishing the last tab of his twenty tab Excel model ... presses F9 to run ... everything works, it's time to save it and print it out ... OOOOOoooHHHH!!  Tom Kenneth, with with no regard for human life!!  Did you see that?!  Wwwwooow ... Let's go down to Michelle Tafoya, standing by Tom's favorite printer." 

"Thanks, Kevin.  What you saw there has become part and parcel of the total package that Kenneth has really developed over the years.  He's really worked on his mid-range collating skills, as well as his ability to post up smaller notes.  We've seen him save files with his mouse or by pressing CTRL + S, right or left-handed ... he's really ambidextrous at this point.  I had a chance to sit down with Tom's father, John Kenneth, this past week, and here's what he hand to say."

[fade to awkward interview spliced with home video footage]

"When Tom was a boy, we used to tape his right hand to his side and force him to press CTRL + S with his left hand.  From a very young age, it was clear to us that Tom had many special talents ... but absolutely none of these would allow him to become a professional athlete.  Once we knew that Tom was bound for the white collar world, we put him through a gamut of 'real world' exercises on a daily basis.  His mother used to mix vodka into the water bottle he took to swim practice on Thursday nights, so that he'd be hungover for school on Friday's."

"There you have it ... back to you Kevin."

"Thank you, Michelle.  Well, Reggie, what do you think about that?"

"You know, I think it's a great message to the youngsters out there.  Kids look at the performances put in by guys like Tom and how far he's come, and they assume that it's God-given talent.  And it is that, it is the talent, but it's also the endless nights of pointless assignments, practicing DCF calculations in Polish notation under a single light in the driveway, writing an ungodly number of emails over the years.  Look at the way Tom's hands rest on the home keys - that's not born, that's built.  Someone - probably some overweight, middle-aged woman with eighteen cats and an inferiority complex - beat it into him at an early age that that is how you type.  So it's the talent, and it's the work.  It's all that.  You don't get to where a player like Tom Kenneth is without a lot of hard work.  ... Or some really solid familial connections."

You were just OSPELLED!

By 1-2

It's tough to be Swiss these days.  Today, UBS announced another $12b loss, $19b in write-downs, and the stepping down of its Chairman of the Board, Marcel Ospel.

So now, ladies and gentlemen, a brief (wholly inaccurate) history of UBS Musical Chairs.

Ospel when he joined UBS as Chairman.

Ospel when he looked at the UBS Fixed Income / Leveraged Loan books.

Ospel at a UBS Board meeting--note the diversity!

Ospel kills Wuffli as CEO to save his own skin.

Ospel feels good about himself, and tells the world UBS will need no more capital infusions.

Bork Ospel gets the boot, but not before taking home some decent coin donuts!

(ed. note: I know the chef is Swedish, not Swiss)

St. Paddy is Almost Here

It's that time, folks. 

Point "Girl"

From her new blog, Eff the Police:

Welcome to F the Police!

I don’t proclaim to be an expert on anything of remote significance. The intricacies of the economy, for all my efforts, fail to interest me. The latest trends (anal bleaching??) simply frighten the shit out of me, and in politics I’ve realized that I’d really rather bed the enemy than change his mind.

Girl: 1
1-2: 0

But weren't we all winners?

1-2

Curse you TED! (For being so good)

First off: My deepest apologies for being MIA lately.  This stomach flu going around has taken the wind out of yours truly's wings. 

Secondly: While plotting and scheming a way to fire back at Bill Cohen and the other "yahoos" at the FT who currently feel their sole job is to deride the payscales of THEIR OWN READERS the ever great Epicuean Dealmaker made about as comprehensive an argument as could ever be made.  Last time (here) the FT went on its blitzkreig against pay TED and I went duo e mano against their worthless authors; this time he took it alone.  Alas, all i can do is point you his way.

Enjoy: TED "Penny for the Guy"

Peace

Bonus just hit the account.

Resignation is on the boss' desk.

Sleeya!